For years, Julie Boyle did everything she could to help her daughter Jordan. As a parent and caregiver, Julie felt it was natural to step in. But one snowy night, as she prepared to take Jordan to a rehabilitation facility, Julie realized something difficult. “The night we were going to put her in rehab — just thinking, ‘Yeah, I can’t fix this,’” Julie said.

That moment marked a turning point in a long caregiving journey that had begun years earlier, when Jordan was a young athlete.

My Guilt Did Not Help My Daughter's Opioid Addiction

Julie Boyle shares the pain of caregiving through her daughter’s addiction.

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Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:24:09
Julie Boyle
The night we were going to put her in rehab, I wanted her to know that I loved her and I would do anything for her, but I could not fix her. She had to fix herself. Jordan was a professional figure skater, so I was always the helicopter mom that took care of her every need. She was 16 when she injured her foot pretty badly.

00:00:24:10 - 00:00:56:09
Julie Boyle
Pain ran all the way up her leg into her hip. Surgery. Cortisone shots. None of it worked. She took just Advil and Tylenol together for a couple of years and then progressed into opioids. Back then, doctors never questioned whether there was any addiction going on. She got more and more incapacitated as the years went on, and so the caregiving just became longer and longer to the point where it was just 24/7, cleaning, feeding,

00:00:56:13 - 00:01:15:13
Julie Boyle
there wasn't anything I didn't do for her. As a caregiver, you want to help them, and so you keep moving closer and closer. When in reality, I think the most helpful thing is to step back. One morning, I couldn't wake her up. That scared me to death, and we decided we need to get her into a rehab facility.

00:01:15:15 - 00:01:36:21
Julie Boyle
It was a blizzard that night. She threatened to open the door and jump out on the way. And it was a complete nightmare all the way there, but we did get her in. I was always feeling guilty over something, guilty that Jordan was in this situation, that somehow I was responsible. And I think that's true of a caregiver, mother, father, anybody.

00:01:36:24 - 00:02:00:01
Julie Boyle
We tend to hold ourselves to this level that nobody is capable of. I think stepping back and saying, you are going to figure this out and I know you are. I'm not giving up on you, but I can't fix you. Guilt is not love. Don't lose hope. Let the guilt go and just love them. Learn more and connect at MyOpioidRecoveryTeam.com.

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From Figure Skating to Lasting Pain

Jordan spent much of her youth on the ice. “Jordan has always been a little needy, but she was a professional figure skater, so I was always sort of the helicopter mom that took care of her every need,” Julie said.

When Jordan was 16, an injury changed the course of her life. “She injured her foot pretty badly while figure skating,” Julie said. The severe, lasting pain “ran all the way up her leg into her hip.”

“Cleaning, feeding — there wasn’t anything I didn’t do for her.”

— Julie Boyle about her daughter, Jordan

Doctors tried several treatments, including cortisone shots and surgery. “But it didn’t work — none of it worked,” Julie said.

For several years, Jordan relied on over-the-counter pain relievers. “She took just Advil and Tylenol together for a couple of years and then progressed to opioids,” Julie said.

Becoming a Full-Time Caregiver

As Jordan’s health struggles continued, Julie’s role as a caregiver became more intense. “She got more and more incapacitated as the years went on, and so the caregiving just became longer and longer, to the point where it was just 24/7,” Julie said.

Julie stepped in wherever she could: “Cleaning, feeding — there wasn’t anything I didn’t do for her. I mean, I pretty much did everything.”

Looking back, Julie recognized a pattern many caregivers experience. “I think as a caregiver, you almost naturally move in, especially as a parent — or any caregiver, really,” Julie said. “It’s just intuitive. You want to help them, so you keep moving closer and closer, when in reality, I think, the most helpful thing is to step back.”

“I couldn’t wake her up.”

— Julie Boyle about her daughter, Jordan

Getting a Frightening Wake-Up Call

One morning, Julie faced a terrifying moment. “I couldn’t wake her up — that scared me to death,” she said. “We decided we needed to get her into a rehab facility.”

The trip to treatment was difficult. “It was a blizzard that night,” Julie recalled.

Jordan resisted the plan. “She threatened to open the door and jump out on the way,” Julie said. “It was a complete nightmare all the way there, but we did get her in.”

Letting Go of Guilt

Throughout this period, Julie struggled with feelings of guilt: “I was always feeling guilty over something — guilty that Jordan was in this situation, that somehow I was responsible.”

Over time, Julie began to rethink what caregiving meant. “We tend to hold ourselves to this level that nobody is capable of,” she said.

Julie came to believe that recovery required Jordan to take her own steps forward. “It’s a balance of not taking away your love, but just that you don’t have the answer that they’re looking for — only they do,” Julie said.

The process taught Julie an important lesson: “Guilt is not love. You can love someone, and you don’t have to carry guilt,” she said. “There’s nothing good that’s coming from guilt. Just don’t lose hope. Let the guilt go, and just love them.”

Find Your Team

On MyOpioidRecoveryTeam, people share their experiences with opioid use disorder, get advice, and find support from others who understand.

Have you supported a loved one through opioid use or recovery? How did you balance caring for them while also caring for yourself? Let others know in the comments below.